why am i hungry

This girl spent her afternoon lying on the playground floor of McDonald's reading a magazine.  Totally unrelated to this post but still super cute.

I want to eat all the time.  I'm not just exaggerating either.  I think about food from the second I wake up in the morning to the moment I lay my head on the pillow at night.  Often, I dream of food.

I don't know why I have always been so obsessed with eating.

This time around on the diet train, I've been trying to focus on identifying my reasons for eating.  It has taken all the impulse control I can muster to stop myself before consuming anything to ask myself, "Why am I hungry?"

If I am physically feeling actual rumblings in my stomach, good.  "You may proceed," I tell myself.

Even if I am only eating because it is a prescribed time of day (breakfast, lunch, or dinner) I allow myself to continue with caution.

If I find myself answering with any other response, it means I need to figure out some sort of alternate plan.  If I am hungry because I am bored, I need to go clean something, go somewhere, or go find some sort of non edible entertainment.  If I am hungry because I am lonely, I need to drive over to Mom's or call someone on the phone.  If I'm hungry because I'm angry, I need to take a walk to blow off some steam.

Daily, I keep finding myself standing at the open fridge after a trance like trip of wakeful sleepwalking.  "Why am I hungry?" I think to myself.

Today, the answer has been, "I'm hungry because I am anxious."

I awoke this morning with a churning in my stomach that is totally unlike the stomach flu or morning sickness (this is NOT an announcement) and is so tightly linked to the feelings of anxiety.  There is a pit in my intestines and a tightness in my chest.

I know that these are symptoms of a heart attack.  I assure you, I am in no cardiac distress.  These are very distinct feelings I encounter when I feel anxious.  This is just the best way I can describe them.  I am having an anxiety attack, not a heart attack.

I'm not surprised about the anxiety.  I'm in the midst of the perfect storm of the end of vacation, withdrawals from sugar, and hormonal shifts (again, NOT an announcement) all at the same time.  I'm an emotional mess and I've been expecting it so it's all good.

What is not all good is the fact that I constantly want to eat.  I just know that if I self medicated with a bit of processed sugar and refined carbohydrates, I would feel so much better.  I would and I wouldn't at the same time.  I would trade self control for momentary comfort so I have to keep reminding myself to keep my eyes set on the goal.

It's a special kind of torture to have to store your drug of choice at all times inside an easily accessible space of your home.

I know I could eat until I make myself physically ill and still not feel completely satiated.  That is the thought that keeps me from breaking.  That and the beautiful face of my sweet baby who is a constant reminder that I am too big to have the energy to play chase with her.  I won't break today but it's all I can do to stay out of the kitchen.

So here is my question for anyone who has the answer.  How do I respond?  I have a response to nearly every emotion that drives me to eat.  I have thoughts and ideas and plans and back up plans to keep myself on the straight and narrow of my dieting destiny.

But what do I do when I'm hungry from anxiety?

So far the best idea I've thought of is to continue wringing my hands and clinging to the knowledge that tomorrow will be better.

I hope it works.