my hopes for mother's day

Yesterday we honored my grandma for Mother's Day.  My mom cooked a delicious lunch of pot roast, corn on the cob, sliced fresh tomatoes, cucumbers with onions, watermelon wedges, and fresh baked bread.  She served the meal on my her grandmother's china and decorated the dining room with pictures of our mothers and grandmothers.  As we ate, we all took turns telling a favorite story about each of our mothers and the conversation soon turned into sharing precious happy memories and laughing about good times.

After our meal, my dad and Dave did the dishes and took care of the kids so we could sit in the living room and continue our discussion.  We started talking about what a conflicting holiday Mother's Day is for the actual people it honors.  For one, because every living person has a mother, the honorees of Mother's Day are supposed to simultaneously enjoy their special day while showering their own mothers with praise, gifts, and attention.  And not having to honor your mother is even worse because that means that you are missing her instead.

Secondly, there is the question of how to celebrate your mother.  How do you combine a lifetime of gratitude and unpayable debt into one single arbitrarily assigned day in May?  When you really stop to consider all that a mother does and gives, it makes all the Hallmark cards in the world seem like a drop in the bucket compared to all of the service and care and love mothers give.

So we sat there, three generations of mothers, each with a different perspective on motherhood, pondering this.  I'm sure we each took a moment to consider what we really wanted for Mother's Day.  We concluded that it was impossible to repay your mother but that just wasn't what Mother's Day is about.

And, in the end, that's not really what I want from my children.  I'm not doing this because I expect some grand gesture of gratitude, or because I want them to feel burdened by a debt to me they'll never be able to pay, or even because I'm hoping that someday they'll feel obligated to care for me when I'm too old to care for myself.  I don't want any of those things.  I just want them to be happy.  My mom said that what she really wants is for us to live happy, successful lives and pay it forward.

I hope I'm doing it right, Mom.

I hope you know that I model my motherhood after all that you did.  Whenever I make a decision for my children, I find myself asking, "What would Mom do?"  If I don't know, I call you and ask.  I hope you know that I'm grateful for that.

I hope you know that I make my way through three hours of church with two active children every Sunday because you did.  I know that you wanted to provide us with a stable foundation in a gospel that has brought you so much true happiness and joy throughout your life and has done the same for mine.  When the fear and anxiety go after my testimony, I hope you know that it's your belief that gets me through it.  "Mom knows it's true and that can be enough for me today."

I hope you know that I take the terms "Smother" and "Helicopter Mom" to be compliments.  I know that the original implication of those terms was not meant to be a positive one.  But to me, they are titles of the highest honor.  Also, until I read the book about being a "Tiger Mom," I thought it meant a mother who was like a tiger to those who wronged her children, a woman who ferociously defended her cubs who were not yet ready to be out in the wild.  That's what "Tiger Mom" means to me anyhow.  I learned that from you.  You were our biggest advocate and growing up, I never doubted you would protect us from the people who didn't have our best interests at heart.

I hope you also know that I'm proud to be a homemaker.  I remember being a young girl and watching you drive off to "Homemaking Meeting" each month and being in awe.  Homemaking sounded like such an impressive term and I couldn't wait to be a homemaker as well.  It sounded like the most important job in the world.  Society has tried to tell me otherwise but I still know better.

I hope you know I get it now.  I get why you were so frustrated when we got out of bed because we smelled popcorn.  I get why you sometimes didn't let us go somewhere when you had an ominous feeling and sensed there might be danger.  I get why you couldn't go anywhere on Mondays during Jack's mission because that was P-Day and you needed to stay by the computer waiting for his email.  I thought it seemed silly then but now I have a son of my own and, although it's still sixteen and a half years away, I'm not sure how I will let go of him long enough for him to serve the Lord for two years.  I get it when I was going through the divorce and you said that it felt just as bad for you.  I was frustrated at the time.  I couldn't understand how it could be bad for you when I was the one traveling through my own personal hell.  I understand now that it was worse for you, that my feelings were broadcast through your soul at an amplified volume.  I hope you know that I get some of it now.  In five years when I have children in school, I will get it more.  In ten years when I have teenagers, my eyes will open a bit more yet again.  In twenty-five years when I'm watching Kate and Sam with families of their own, there will be new and more complex things for me to grasp.  But for now, I hope you know I have at least some understanding of what it means to be a mother.

I hope you know that my children adore you.  Their lives are better because you are in it.  They get love and care directly from you but also your support and advice makes me a better mother.  They are lucky to have you in their lives.

Mostly, I hope you know that I'm grateful for you.  I hope you know I wouldn't be who I am today without you in my life.  I hope you know that you did a great job, that your best was more than enough, that your children will love you forever.

And lastly, I hope you got what you wanted for Mother's Day.

strawberry fields

Last week, my mom and Dave and I took the kids to Froberg's Farm for some spring time strawberry picking.  As I mentioned in a previous blog post, Kate's favorite fruit is strawberries and fruit in general is Sam's favorite food so we knew this would be a pretty big hit.

That morning Kate told me that she was nervous about picking the strawberries.  Her main concerns were about whether or not there would be buckets for us and if the buckets would have strawberries on them.

Well, lucky for us, they sell buckets with pictures of strawberries on them.  Also, Kate stopped being nervous when she realized she could bring this awesome "Farmer's Hat," as she calls it.

Sam loved wandering around but he got really upset any time we were not all on the same strawberry row.  Kate and I were walking up and down the rows looking for the best strawberries while Sam explored the fields with my mom and Dave.  Anytime Kate and I started picking berries on a different row, he would cry until we were all together again.

Of course, we tried to get a family photo behind these giant strawberry cut outs.  Sam, however, wanted nothing to do with any of that kind of silliness.

And perhaps, my favorite photo of our strawberry picking adventure was this next one below, taken by my mom.  This was right after Sam kicked mud all over Dave's face and right before Kate said, "Get your hand off my shoulder Mom."

Why don't kids cooperate when you all you want is a nice family photo in a field of strawberries?

All in all though, we had a berry good time. :)

weight loss: round million

Well, my last weight loss attempt was a great success.

For about a month.

And then I ran into the holidays and I found a list of good excuses to take a break.

And then I ate my way through January, February, and the first part of March unable to find any excuses to take any breaks and eating anyway.

And here I am now bigger than before.

And it's started to scare me.  It's starting to scare me because I can't seem to find any traction.  It's starting to scare me because I'm turning thirty this year and, if I can't get control of this, my health is going to run away with my youth.  It's starting to scare me because I see Kate wanting to copy my binge eating habits.

I'm beyond frustration, exasperation, and exhaustion.  I've moved onto to fear.

Fear that I'll never beat my addition.  Fear that it's contagious and my children will catch it.  Fear that I won't be there for my children to grow into adults.  Fear that I've run out of options.

Luckily, this is where I turn to my support system.  This time I've enlisted the help of my mom and dad and my wonderful husband Dave.  I'm thankful that they love me enough to jump right down in the trenches to do this with me.  I'm afraid that I've lost the will to do this on my own anymore.

But I'm learning that that's okay.

a peachy new year

This has been a very good year for the Houston Cougars.  After an almost undefeated season, the Coogs were set to play against the Florida State Seminoles at the Chick-fil-a Peach Bowl on New Year's Eve.

Naturally, we had a southern themed New Year's Eve Party.

Mom made shrimp and grits with biscuits and sausage gravy.  She also served virgin Peach Bellinis.  Dave boiled peanuts and Katelyn whipped up a peach jello salad.  It was one delicious New Year's meal.

To complete their season of glory, the Coogs defeated the Seminoles and made an excellent end to an excellent year for all the UH fans at our house (which was everyone).

Happy New Year, y'all!

a very merry birthday party

Merry Christmas!

If you read my blog post last night you're probably wondering if Kate got her flute. At the mall Santa told her he would see what he could do. Luckily he was able to make it happen on such short notice. Kate was delighted to find a purple "flute" in her stocking this morning.

One of our presents to Kate was one of my old make up bags filled with glittery and pink make up and brushes from the dollar store. Kate was thrilled but the jury is still out on whether or not this was a good idea.

Sam had no idea it was Christmas this morning. He kept his usual routine of drinking milk from a bottle and crawling around looking for trouble. However, this morning he and Kate had a new set of wooden blocks from their grandma and grandpa all the way over in Argentina.

Sam's first order of business was to polish off the remaining cookie crumbs and Diet Coke we left for Santa the night before.  He also tried to eat the reindeer carrot.

Kate's big present from us was a Buzz Lightyear bike with a bumblebee helmet. At first she was a little apprehensive about making the switch from tricycle to big girl bike but once she got the hang of it, she was a pro. She kept telling us it was "so easy."

After opening presents we had a big Christmas breakfast of crescent rolls, scrambled eggs, bacon, and oranges. I felt like some sort of breakfast warrior putting this feast on the table. I had forgotten about Christmas breakfast until late last night and made the bold choice to brave the lines at Walgreens to try and forage for ingredients.

After breakfast and a wonderful Skype call with Dave's family we packed up the car and headed over to my parents' house for Christmas dinner, more presents, and a pair of special Christmas guests!  Kate really wanted to wear her new Elsa costume and I braided her hair like George Bailey's youngest daughter from It's a Wonderful Life.

One of Katelyn's favorite presents was a stuffed Peppa Pig doll.  A few weeks ago my mom and I were wandering around the Walmart toy department with the kids when Kate found this stuffed Peppa doll.  They bonded immediately and when it was time to leave, there was a tearful goodbye.  Kate very carefully nestled Peppa into an endcap display of toys and promised to "visit Peppa soon."  Well, this was just too much sadness for my mom and so she had me distract Kate while she secretly bought that exact Peppa doll right then and there.  Needless to say, the reunion of these two besties did not disappoint.

This year Katelyn has gotten really excited about birthdays. She loves a good celebration even if it isn't for her and she has found a reason to say or sing Happy Birthday nearly every day this year.

When we started talking about Christmas, we explained to her that we have parties and open presents and celebrate together because Christmas is Jesus's birthday. Kate was so excited about having a birthday party on Christmas day!  We even had a birthday cake.

After the birthday song was sung, the candles blown out, the piles of wrapping paper swept away, the babies bathed and tucked into their beds, the grown ups sat down to play Scattergories.  We had so much fun just sitting around talking and playing games and I laughed so hard I cried more than once.

At the end of the night, Dave and I had to borrow my mom's car to haul everything home.  The kids rode with Dave in their car seats so I drove alone listening to the last of the Christmas music on the radio. It almost felt overwhelming how happy I was and how grateful I felt.  I started to tear up a bit contemplating how blessed I have been.  I was mostly thinking of how much I love my family and how lucky I am to have them in my life.  An entire day of family fun can really bring that to the forefront of your mind.  Then I started thinking about the true meaning of Christmas and what that means to me.  I'm so thankful that many years ago a baby was born who lived and died for all of us.  Because of Him, I can live with my precious family forever.  Because of Him, I can start over again and again and still be forgiven.  Because of Him, there is nothing I will ever have to face on my own.  Because of Him, we all can live again.

And that is the greatest Christmas gift of all.