motivational speaking

Yesterday I was talking to my mom about why I started writing blog posts concerning my weight.  This is not the first (or even the second or third) time I've begun a weight loss journey and publicly announced my intentions.  As you may have guessed, the other attempts were not successful.  This really got me thinking about the question: "Why do I keep doing this?"

And I thought and thought and thought and decided that I wanted to write about my blogging motivation because it's also a stop along this road I'm traveling.

You might be assuming that starting a weight loss blog is all about accountability.  After all, I've been posting statistics and, at times, even pictures of my poorly pedicured toes behind the numbers on the scale.  It would seem that having to announce my weight every so often would be motivation enough to keep me on the path.

But it turns out that the digits on the scale are just a number, a way of quantifying what you already know about me.  I'm a big person and I eat too much.  And in the midst of a food addiction, accountability merely takes a tiny bite out of the elephant I'm eating.  (Do you see what I did there?)  I have been a full fledged paying member of Weight Watchers and have stood there on the scale while the ornery receptionist records my weight gain and thought to myself, "Whatever.  She doesn't know me."  Accountability does very little for me because I derive my confidence from my own self and loved ones.  My family members love me for reasons that have nothing to do with my weight.  They don't see a size.  I am surrounded daily by a fierce tribe of people who build me up all the time.  And besides, at the end of the day, the person who truly decides whether or not I'm fabulous is me.  For accountability to be effective, you have to be a little bit embarrassed about your weight.  And I'm just not ashamed of myself or my size.

You might wonder if I'm looking for virtual support from my online social media community.  Or maybe I'm hoping someone will give me the wisdom that I haven't heard or the magic elixir that will set me free.  I'm always pleasantly surprised by the number of people who like, comment on, or follow my blog.  I love hearing your words of encouragement, pieces of advice, and, most of all, plans to join me.  This is a wonderful unintended consequence of writing these posts for which I'm very grateful.

Perhaps you might wonder if I'm looking for sympathy.  I mean, society tells us that being fat is the worst thing that can happen to you.  Maybe I started blogging in the hopes that people would take pity on me and tell me wonderful things to make me feel better.  But don't feel sorry for me because I certainly don't feel sorry for myself.  And while I love reading people say positive things about me (because who doesn't?!), I didn't do this so that readers would feel give me compliments or tell me I'm great.

So if I didn't start blogging about my weight for those reasons, why did I?

After years of struggling to lose weight, I've realized that a huge portion of this challenge is mental and emotional.  For a very long time I've grappled with two different very firmly held beliefs that I have.  One is that my self worth has nothing to do with my size.  Neither does my weight affect my self esteem.  I have a very strong testimony that my value as a daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend, human being, and child of God never has been and never will be dependent upon my outward appearance, including my weight.  Obesity is just one aspect of who I am and it is one of the least important.  I'm not embarrassed about my weight nor am I ashamed of myself or feel like I need to prove anything by reaching a certain number on the scale.

The second belief I have is that I need to lose weight.  I have a lot of reasons for this.  Right now, my biggest one is that I want to have more energy.  I am so tired.  I'm just spent all the time.  I hate it.  I know that, as a mother of young children, I can always expect some level of exhaustion but the way I feel is beyond that.  I know that losing weight would take a huge load off my shoulders.  (Did you see that?  Another pun.) I also worry about my health.  Any time my left arm hurts or feels weird, I worry that I'm having a heart attack.  This is not a normal concern for a twenty nine year old healthy person.  But because I obese, I know that I'm taking a risk and testing my body's ability to handle this weight.  Lastly, I believe that moderation is an eternal principle that God wants me to figure out.  Even if I could eat all the cake in the world and keep my girlish figure, that would not be what is morally right.

So how do I reconcile those two beliefs?  They are both so true to me and so important. What was really holding me back was the knowledge that, while most people would agree with me about the second school of thought, there are many who simply do not feel that someone can have worth and be obese.  And for the most part, I don't really care what people think of me.  But there is this stubborn portion of my personality that just wants to be contrary.  It's the rebel gene that has been passed down to me from a long line of an ancestry that says, "I don't have to take this."  And that is the part of me, that in my weakest moment becomes the devil on my shoulder saying, "Why don't you just show them?  Don't give any of those haters the satisfaction of seeing you lose weight.  Then they will look at you all thin and say, 'Megan finally got off her fat lazy behind.'  Don't give them the opportunity to say that about you.  You do you, girl and you are fat.  There's nothing wrong with that and don't let anybody tell you otherwise."

I know that this doesn't make sense.  I know that this is, as my mom would say, cutting off my nose to spite my face.  In theory, I get it.  But in reality though, when I'm tired and hungry and feeling anxious or stressed, when I'm standing at the fridge late at night and a piece of Target cake is smiling invitingly at me, it's just enough to push me over the edge.

So I decided to write about it.  I told myself I would say my piece and let it go.  Instead of wondering what other people are assuming is my story, I would just let them in and read my story to them.  If they don't understand after that, it's on them and not me.  I've spoken my truth and said what I needed to say.

And the irony is that after I had harbored all of these indignant feelings about ideas that the people around me may or may not be having, I found that most people don't think badly about me because of my weight.  I mean, no doubt there are some people who do.  There are also some people who just don't get it and never will.  There will be people who think I'm too lazy to do it or too stupid to understand how weight loss works or too pathetic to overcome my challenges.  Some people will feel sorry for me.  Some will read my future triumphant blog post when I lose the weight and fit into non-plus sized clothes and cheer with me while quietly thinking to themselves, "She finally did it.  She finally earned her self worth back."  There will be those who read my blog but never really hear what I have to say.  And that's okay because we all view the world through our own personal lens and it's not my job to force mine on anyone else.

I have no doubt there are still some people who think I'm a literal waste of space and will breathe a sigh of relief when I finally figure this out.  But I don't think most people feel that way and if I can't reach them, that's not my burden to bear.

So really, I started writing about my weight as an outlet to unload some emotional baggage.  I did it so I could share my story and then forget about it and get to work on tackling the real issue.  Even if everyone I know reads all this and not one single person hears me, I get comfort knowing that my truth is out there and I don't have to dwell on it.

And while that may be my initial motivation, I've found myself really enjoying these moments behind the keyboard where I get to write my monologue and share my feelings.  I realized that I have lot to say about this issue and although my voice is just one tiny squeak in an online ocean of a million screaming tones, it feels good to let the sound of that squeak resonate in my little corner of the world.  And despite the fact that I promise I didn't do this for validation or nice comments, I find your kind words of encouragement popping into my head sometimes when I want to give us and stop doing this.  It takes away some of the loneliness and silence that so often accompany the topic of obesity and that is nice.  So keep talking.  Let's have a discussion and learn from each other.  Tell me your truth while I tell you mine.  Maybe we can make the world a little bit better by trying to understand each other.