a eulogy to food

Correction: I credited my great grandmother Elgie for the term "polishing the silver." That phrase was actually coined by my mom. :)

This is hard.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.  Weight loss is about so much more than watching what you eat.  This week, I am really struggling with intense feelings of emotional loss.

Food wasn't just something I enjoyed.  It wasn't just a hobby or a pleasure that I indulged in one too many times  And it certainly was never just a means of obtaining bodily sustenance and nutrition.  Not to me.  Never to me.

Food was my friend that was always there.  If I was bored, it was entertainment.  When I was sad, a shoulder to cry on.  Food was a companion if ever I was lonely and it calmed my nerves whenever I was scared.  One of the wonderful things about food and particularly binge eating was the fact that it was like a magical remedy for any unpleasant emotion.

It was also my companion in the happy times.  Whenever there was a party or a holiday or a birthday celebration, my friend food was always invited.  When I accomplished something I was proud of, my first inclination was always to celebrate with a meal, a special treat, a candy bar, or anything else that had a high caloric intake.

Food, for me, has always been a loyal companion that has cured my hunger, healed my pain, and shared with me some of my happiest moments.

And now it's gone and I'm having to grieve.

Obviously, it's not completely gone.  I have to eat.  Food is still with me in the form of fruits and vegetables, whole grains and lean protein.  It's there in less volume.  It's with me in a different format but it's not the same.  It's as if my best friend had a make over and plastic surgery and a lobotomy all at once and now I don't even recognize it in the same way.

In time, I'm sure I'll learn to love this new version of food, this sleeker, slimmer, lighter fare that will ultimately help me find my own true satisfaction.  But for now, it's hard and I'm so so sad.

I wish I could admit that I'm exaggerating.  It would be great if this could be like one of those "Ha ha, the fat lady misses cake now" blog posts.  The truth is, though, I'm really in mourning over a drug that I've relied on for a very long time.

I spend a lot of time missing my friend and trying not to dwell on the good times we've shared. I'm doing my best to keep myself busy.  One day I spent the kids' nap time lost of in a jumble of Xbox and cable cords.  The thought of tackling any meaningful chores felt too overwhelming so I spent my time meticulously untangling wires until they were lined up neatly behind the TV stand.  I'm told this is what my great grandmother Elgie would have called "polishing the silver."  That means putting off less preferred tasks for something easier like polishing silver or straightening up TV cables. It worked though so I have a feeling I will have a lot of spotless silver by the time I reach my goal.

I feel silly eulogizing an inanimate entity such as food.  I'm always taken aback by how hard this gets.  The strange thing is I'm not struggling with a lack of willpower as I usually am.  I really am committed this time.  My hardship has taken on a completely new form and I'm just sad about it.  I know it will get better.  It will take time for my efforts to pay off and ease the loss of my friend food so I'm going to stick it out and be patient.

But for now, I'm sad and I think I need to learn to be okay with that for a while.  I'm finding that a big piece of this weight loss puzzle is having to make peace with the negative emotions that are certain to find me every now and then.  Not all sadness or anxiety or anger needs to be fixed right away.  Every feeling along the emotional spectrum is meant to be experienced in different time and places of my life and that's okay.

And at the end of the day, if the sadness is still there, I can always look at these beautiful faces for what my mom and I call our "daily dose of liquid sunshine" for a reminder of why I am really doing this.